He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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