You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
