You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
That accounts for only three of the penises
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
