if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
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