You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
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