hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
