when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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