Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Randomize
