I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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