Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
God, you're like boner-b-gone
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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