If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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