I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Randomize
