umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
it glows. i had to have it.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Randomize
