Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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