Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
