woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
