there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
