I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Randomize
