I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
