you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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