i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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