He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
