He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
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