dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Can you bring me the toilet please
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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