So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
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