The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
