I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
