xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
