There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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