WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Randomize
