The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
