my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
