You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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