I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
