everyone is single if you try hard enough
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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