You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
