My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
