OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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