I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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