Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
