Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I lost the right to judge tonight
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Randomize
