A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
