Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
