I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
