my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
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