apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
