My nipple is on Facebook.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
