I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
