I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
