There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Randomize
